Story time with T

It has been a full year since I've attempted to post. I went through a serious writers block... Never an easy thing for a writer. Especially, someone like me who relies on writing as my own personal therapy. Many things have happened in the past year, all worth mentioning, but nothing I want to talk about at the moment.. Maybe it's the super moon that has brought back my inspiration that felt so lost for awhile. In looking at the moon in all her glory last night, I couldn't help but feel like we were in some sort of relationship. An understanding of sorts. I knew then that it was time to start writing again..so here I am. For the last few months my life has changed drastically. I went from high energy and running every night, to zero energy and not able to take an evening stroll. I started sleeping all the time and experiencing swelling and pain in my neck and head, eventually traveling down my body and into my ribs. It is a picky pain, as it has chosen to invade only the right side of my body and swell only the lymph node and tissues in that area also. Long story short, I have a large mass in my neck due to a very swollen lymph node next to my jugular vein, facial swelling, extreme fatigue, a skin rash and a nicely decent amount of pain. (re-reading that I sound so sexy right now..) As of 4 months ago this began... Whatever it is was at a very early stage, it has been slowly progressing and has been difficult to get an actual diagnosis..because apparently the lymph node is located in a very tricky place and getting a biopsy is risky. I think my doctor was hoping I would improve. But the truth is, I am worsening. The big "C" and other scary things are hanging over my head like the brass rings on a carousel.. Only I'm not reaching out to grab them.. I'm just circling, keeping my eyes low. For awhile, I was alright. I had a very positive outlook.. And it seemed I had found a way to deal with my new reality quite well. Hahaha.. Yeah, that went away. Silly me, trying to deal with this internally all the while unwittingly putting more stress on myself. My problem is I think I know everything sometimes... Like when you're a teenager and your parents tell you something and you snootily say "I KNOW!!!"... Yeah, I think that part of me decided to lay dormant and reared its head morphing from defiant to stubborn. I have a couple of close friends who have been right there with me along this road less traveled.. And I can remember them scolding me to lean on them, offering keen insights and ideas. I don't think I've been listening at all..(Er, uh sorry?).. Until now. I am just not one of those people who like to tell others all my problems!!! Even right now as I write this blog, I'm considering deleting every word. However, I've come to the realization that this in itself is going to help me. Not because I am telling my story so I can have more people to lean on... No, I've discovered with each key stroke that this is possibly going to help others..(my personal favorite thing to do). Struggle is a given. Health, family, loss... I'm hoping by being brave enough to tell my story, it will help someone else. Nothing is more lonely than feeling your life or health deteriorate around you and having it do so in silence. Say something. It's the first step in healing. I've never known anyone to heal alone. You might suffice and move along, but you're not healed. You're not even scarred. You're just covering the open wound. So speak up. Let your friends and family help hold you up. The pain will lessen and the wounds will start to heal. By sharing your story, you could be lessening the pain of someone else and contributing to the healing of their spirit. My body might be sick, but my spirit is healthful. 


 For anyone who hurts..inside or out, 
Love T ♥