Sometimes, being truly strong means breaking

I am sitting at my computer and tears are not far from the rim of my eyes.  Some have already fallen and dried, staining my face like little rivers in dry sand.  I broke today.  I have been breaking off and on for a few months..every now and then, when it all (whatever it is) becomes too much.  I let "it" that I have shoved below my surface emerge.  It's not a proud moment for me.
I want so much to be different sometimes.  To not feel as much as I do.  I feel and sense everything.  I feel my own feelings, the feelings of others.  I sense anger, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, joy, love... all of it, even when it's not my own to feel!  I'm so sensitive.  A sensitive heart, a sensitive soul.. Sensitive.  I loathe the adjective today.  I yearn to be bold and unfeeling at this moment.  I want to feel nothing...except maybe numb. A super, nice, healthy idea, huh?
I haven't been feeling well since January... I thought, originally, it would pass but it hasn't.  I'm in the very long process of getting a diagnosis and a referral to the correct doctors... and for some unknown reason, it keeps getting delayed or sent to the wrong place.  I was supposed to go to OHSU more than a month ago.  Each time the referral gets done incorrectly I have to play the waiting game.  That brings me to my next point and self revelation.  I hate waiting.
Waiting is extremely difficult for me.  I'm good at first.. but after awhile I cannot bear it.  Picture a dog writhing around on it's back to scratch the impossible itch.. yeah that's about the perfect description of me trying to wait.  One of the worst things to wait for is an answer... and isn't that what we are all waiting for, essentially, anyway?  So, in all of my grace, I usually take it upon myself to take action.  Oh yes, this always goes well.. as I, 99% of the time, make it worse for myself, the other person or both.  And here we have arrived at my next self revelation... I wanna fix everything.
Being the sensitive (eye roll) girl that I am, I want to fix everyone and everything.  If you are hurting, I will feel it and I will analyze every possible way to make you feel better.  If we have any kind of argument, I can't let it go, because I compute somehow, I'll say the perfect words to aid your understanding of me and forgive me for being so frustrating...immediately...*Disclaimer... I may use that to help you see you're wrong also... :)  
I don't really have a point right now.... I don't have much inspiration to offer.  Maybe that in itself is inspirational.  I've tried so hard in every facet of my life.  I suppose I need to accept that it's not always going to work out.  I know that I'm blessed.. but when people say "you're so blessed" or "you have so much to be thankful for".. what does that mean?  It doesn't magically take the hurt away.  I never said I wasn't thankful or blessed.  I know I am.  However, knowing it doesn't suddenly erase my sensitivity (ew..there's that word again).  It hasn't cured me of my illness or eased the discomfort I'm feeling.  And I'm pretty sure those words haven't provided any magical qualities for anyone else that feels like I do.  I think the best thing we can do as friends and humans in general is give empathy.  There is a great deal of comfort in someone saying "I understand" or "I'm sorry you hurt" or even saying "I can't imagine, but I'm here for you".  It's validating.  Those of us struggling with our health, loss of loved ones or even just having a bad day need that validation of understanding...and ultimately, feeling less alone.  Suffering is suffering.  Suffering alone....is spirit-crushing.  
Most of us want to appear strong and in tact.  Being truly strong means allowing yourself to break.  By all means, don't wallow in self-despair...There's a fine line between breaking and mending vs. breaking and staying broken......
I chose breaking and mending...even though it's difficult, even though right now I don't want to.  My first step was writing this post and sharing.  Somehow, it's settled my tears back down to my insides, where they will stay.. for now.
To anyone who is sensitive...(I guess it's not so bad...) and anyone who hurts tonight,
Love
T ♥

Story time with T

It has been a full year since I've attempted to post. I went through a serious writers block... Never an easy thing for a writer. Especially, someone like me who relies on writing as my own personal therapy. Many things have happened in the past year, all worth mentioning, but nothing I want to talk about at the moment.. Maybe it's the super moon that has brought back my inspiration that felt so lost for awhile. In looking at the moon in all her glory last night, I couldn't help but feel like we were in some sort of relationship. An understanding of sorts. I knew then that it was time to start writing again..so here I am. For the last few months my life has changed drastically. I went from high energy and running every night, to zero energy and not able to take an evening stroll. I started sleeping all the time and experiencing swelling and pain in my neck and head, eventually traveling down my body and into my ribs. It is a picky pain, as it has chosen to invade only the right side of my body and swell only the lymph node and tissues in that area also. Long story short, I have a large mass in my neck due to a very swollen lymph node next to my jugular vein, facial swelling, extreme fatigue, a skin rash and a nicely decent amount of pain. (re-reading that I sound so sexy right now..) As of 4 months ago this began... Whatever it is was at a very early stage, it has been slowly progressing and has been difficult to get an actual diagnosis..because apparently the lymph node is located in a very tricky place and getting a biopsy is risky. I think my doctor was hoping I would improve. But the truth is, I am worsening. The big "C" and other scary things are hanging over my head like the brass rings on a carousel.. Only I'm not reaching out to grab them.. I'm just circling, keeping my eyes low. For awhile, I was alright. I had a very positive outlook.. And it seemed I had found a way to deal with my new reality quite well. Hahaha.. Yeah, that went away. Silly me, trying to deal with this internally all the while unwittingly putting more stress on myself. My problem is I think I know everything sometimes... Like when you're a teenager and your parents tell you something and you snootily say "I KNOW!!!"... Yeah, I think that part of me decided to lay dormant and reared its head morphing from defiant to stubborn. I have a couple of close friends who have been right there with me along this road less traveled.. And I can remember them scolding me to lean on them, offering keen insights and ideas. I don't think I've been listening at all..(Er, uh sorry?).. Until now. I am just not one of those people who like to tell others all my problems!!! Even right now as I write this blog, I'm considering deleting every word. However, I've come to the realization that this in itself is going to help me. Not because I am telling my story so I can have more people to lean on... No, I've discovered with each key stroke that this is possibly going to help others..(my personal favorite thing to do). Struggle is a given. Health, family, loss... I'm hoping by being brave enough to tell my story, it will help someone else. Nothing is more lonely than feeling your life or health deteriorate around you and having it do so in silence. Say something. It's the first step in healing. I've never known anyone to heal alone. You might suffice and move along, but you're not healed. You're not even scarred. You're just covering the open wound. So speak up. Let your friends and family help hold you up. The pain will lessen and the wounds will start to heal. By sharing your story, you could be lessening the pain of someone else and contributing to the healing of their spirit. My body might be sick, but my spirit is healthful. 


 For anyone who hurts..inside or out, 
Love T ♥