5.14.2012

Sometimes, being truly strong means breaking

I am sitting at my computer and tears are not far from the rim of my eyes.  Some have already fallen and dried, staining my face like little rivers in dry sand.  I broke today.  I have been breaking off and on for a few months..every now and then, when it all (whatever it is) becomes too much.  I let "it" that I have shoved below my surface emerge.  It's not a proud moment for me.
I want so much to be different sometimes.  To not feel as much as I do.  I feel and sense everything.  I feel my own feelings, the feelings of others.  I sense anger, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, joy, love... all of it, even when it's not my own to feel!  I'm so sensitive.  A sensitive heart, a sensitive soul.. Sensitive.  I loathe the adjective today.  I yearn to be bold and unfeeling at this moment.  I want to feel nothing...except maybe numb. A super, nice, healthy idea, huh?
I haven't been feeling well since January... I thought, originally, it would pass but it hasn't.  I'm in the very long process of getting a diagnosis and a referral to the correct doctors... and for some unknown reason, it keeps getting delayed or sent to the wrong place.  I was supposed to go to OHSU more than a month ago.  Each time the referral gets done incorrectly I have to play the waiting game.  That brings me to my next point and self revelation.  I hate waiting.
Waiting is extremely difficult for me.  I'm good at first.. but after awhile I cannot bear it.  Picture a dog writhing around on it's back to scratch the impossible itch.. yeah that's about the perfect description of me trying to wait.  One of the worst things to wait for is an answer... and isn't that what we are all waiting for, essentially, anyway?  So, in all of my grace, I usually take it upon myself to take action.  Oh yes, this always goes well.. as I, 99% of the time, make it worse for myself, the other person or both.  And here we have arrived at my next self revelation... I wanna fix everything.
Being the sensitive (eye roll) girl that I am, I want to fix everyone and everything.  If you are hurting, I will feel it and I will analyze every possible way to make you feel better.  If we have any kind of argument, I can't let it go, because I compute somehow, I'll say the perfect words to aid your understanding of me and forgive me for being so frustrating...immediately...*Disclaimer... I may use that to help you see you're wrong also... :)  
I don't really have a point right now.... I don't have much inspiration to offer.  Maybe that in itself is inspirational.  I've tried so hard in every facet of my life.  I suppose I need to accept that it's not always going to work out.  I know that I'm blessed.. but when people say "you're so blessed" or "you have so much to be thankful for".. what does that mean?  It doesn't magically take the hurt away.  I never said I wasn't thankful or blessed.  I know I am.  However, knowing it doesn't suddenly erase my sensitivity (ew..there's that word again).  It hasn't cured me of my illness or eased the discomfort I'm feeling.  And I'm pretty sure those words haven't provided any magical qualities for anyone else that feels like I do.  I think the best thing we can do as friends and humans in general is give empathy.  There is a great deal of comfort in someone saying "I understand" or "I'm sorry you hurt" or even saying "I can't imagine, but I'm here for you".  It's validating.  Those of us struggling with our health, loss of loved ones or even just having a bad day need that validation of understanding...and ultimately, feeling less alone.  Suffering is suffering.  Suffering alone....is spirit-crushing.  
Most of us want to appear strong and in tact.  Being truly strong means allowing yourself to break.  By all means, don't wallow in self-despair...There's a fine line between breaking and mending vs. breaking and staying broken......
I chose breaking and mending...even though it's difficult, even though right now I don't want to.  My first step was writing this post and sharing.  Somehow, it's settled my tears back down to my insides, where they will stay.. for now.
To anyone who is sensitive...(I guess it's not so bad...) and anyone who hurts tonight,
Love
T ♥

2 comments:

  1. I love the pictures here T, and your words!

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  2. Beautiful - beautiful words, beautiful pictures, beautiful heart, beautiful woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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