I am sitting at my computer and tears are not far from the rim of my eyes. Some have already fallen and dried, staining my face like little rivers in dry sand. I broke today. I have been breaking off and on for a few months..every now and then, when it all (whatever it is) becomes too much. I let "it" that I have shoved below my surface emerge. It's not a proud moment for me.
I want so much to be different sometimes. To not feel as much as I do. I feel and sense everything. I feel my own feelings, the feelings of others. I sense anger, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, joy, love... all of it, even when it's not my own to feel! I'm so sensitive. A sensitive heart, a sensitive soul.. Sensitive. I loathe the adjective today. I yearn to be bold and unfeeling at this moment. I want to feel nothing...except maybe numb. A super, nice, healthy idea, huh?
I haven't been feeling well since January... I thought, originally, it would pass but it hasn't. I'm in the very long process of getting a diagnosis and a referral to the correct doctors... and for some unknown reason, it keeps getting delayed or sent to the wrong place. I was supposed to go to OHSU more than a month ago. Each time the referral gets done incorrectly I have to play the waiting game. That brings me to my next point and self revelation. I hate waiting.
Waiting is extremely difficult for me. I'm good at first.. but after awhile I cannot bear it. Picture a dog writhing around on it's back to scratch the impossible itch.. yeah that's about the perfect description of me trying to wait. One of the worst things to wait for is an answer... and isn't that what we are all waiting for, essentially, anyway? So, in all of my grace, I usually take it upon myself to take action. Oh yes, this always goes well.. as I, 99% of the time, make it worse for myself, the other person or both. And here we have arrived at my next self revelation... I wanna fix everything.
Being the sensitive (eye roll) girl that I am, I want to fix everyone and everything. If you are hurting, I will feel it and I will analyze every possible way to make you feel better. If we have any kind of argument, I can't let it go, because I compute somehow, I'll say the perfect words to aid your understanding of me and forgive me for being so frustrating...immediately...*Disclaimer... I may use that to help you see you're wrong also... :)
I don't really have a point right now.... I don't have much inspiration to offer. Maybe that in itself is inspirational. I've tried so hard in every facet of my life. I suppose I need to accept that it's not always going to work out. I know that I'm blessed.. but when people say "you're so blessed" or "you have so much to be thankful for".. what does that mean? It doesn't magically take the hurt away. I never said I wasn't thankful or blessed. I know I am. However, knowing it doesn't suddenly erase my sensitivity (ew..there's that word again). It hasn't cured me of my illness or eased the discomfort I'm feeling. And I'm pretty sure those words haven't provided any magical qualities for anyone else that feels like I do. I think the best thing we can do as friends and humans in general is give empathy. There is a great deal of comfort in someone saying "I understand" or "I'm sorry you hurt" or even saying "I can't imagine, but I'm here for you". It's validating. Those of us struggling with our health, loss of loved ones or even just having a bad day need that validation of understanding...and ultimately, feeling less alone. Suffering is suffering. Suffering alone....is spirit-crushing.
Most of us want to appear strong and in tact. Being truly strong means allowing yourself to break. By all means, don't wallow in self-despair...There's a fine line between breaking and mending vs. breaking and staying broken......
I chose breaking and mending...even though it's difficult, even though right now I don't want to. My first step was writing this post and sharing. Somehow, it's settled my tears back down to my insides, where they will stay.. for now.
To anyone who is sensitive...(I guess it's not so bad...) and anyone who hurts tonight,
Love
T ♥
This is my personal journal of thoughts, intuitions and discernment. A committee of sorts that is the very core of me. This is a VIP tour inside my brain. Enter at your own risk. My name is Tera. I'm in my 30's, a mom of two, I have a life and things I'm accountable for... but I'm still just a girl in spirit. I might be just like you...Welcome to T and the Committee.
5.06.2012
Story time with T
It has been a full year since I've attempted to post. I went through a serious writers block... Never an easy thing for a writer. Especially, someone like me who relies on writing as my own personal therapy. Many things have happened in the past year, all worth mentioning, but nothing I want to talk about at the moment..
Maybe it's the super moon that has brought back my inspiration that felt so lost for awhile. In looking at the moon in all her glory last night, I couldn't help but feel like we were in some sort of relationship. An understanding of sorts. I knew then that it was time to start writing again..so here I am.
For the last few months my life has changed drastically. I went from high energy and running every night, to zero energy and not able to take an evening stroll. I started sleeping all the time and experiencing swelling and pain in my neck and head, eventually traveling down my body and into my ribs. It is a picky pain, as it has chosen to invade only the right side of my body and swell only the lymph node and tissues in that area also. Long story short, I have a large mass in my neck due to a very swollen lymph node next to my jugular vein, facial swelling, extreme fatigue, a skin rash and a nicely decent amount of pain. (re-reading that I sound so sexy right now..)
As of 4 months ago this began... Whatever it is was at a very early stage, it has been slowly progressing and has been difficult to get an actual diagnosis..because apparently the lymph node is located in a very tricky place and getting a biopsy is risky. I think my doctor was hoping I would improve. But the truth is, I am worsening. The big "C" and other scary things are hanging over my head like the brass rings on a carousel.. Only I'm not reaching out to grab them.. I'm just circling, keeping my eyes low.
For awhile, I was alright. I had a very positive outlook.. And it seemed I had found a way to deal with my new reality quite well. Hahaha.. Yeah, that went away. Silly me, trying to deal with this internally all the while unwittingly putting more stress on myself. My problem is I think I know everything sometimes... Like when you're a teenager and your parents tell you something and you snootily say "I KNOW!!!"... Yeah, I think that part of me decided to lay dormant and reared its head morphing from defiant to stubborn. I have a couple of close friends who have been right there with me along this road less traveled.. And I can remember them scolding me to lean on them, offering keen insights and ideas. I don't think I've been listening at all..(Er, uh sorry?).. Until now. I am just not one of those people who like to tell others all my problems!!! Even right now as I write this blog, I'm considering deleting every word. However, I've come to the realization that this in itself is going to help me. Not because I am telling my story so I can have more people to lean on... No, I've discovered with each key stroke that this is possibly going to help others..(my personal favorite thing to do).
Struggle is a given. Health, family, loss... I'm hoping by being brave enough to tell my story, it will help someone else. Nothing is more lonely than feeling your life or health deteriorate around you and having it do so in silence. Say something. It's the first step in healing. I've never known anyone to heal alone. You might suffice and move along, but you're not healed. You're not even scarred. You're just covering the open wound. So speak up. Let your friends and family help hold you up. The pain will lessen and the wounds will start to heal. By sharing your story, you could be lessening the pain of someone else and contributing to the healing of their spirit.
My body might be sick, but my spirit is healthful.
For anyone who hurts..inside or out,
Love T ♥
For anyone who hurts..inside or out,
Love T ♥
4.13.2011
Animals are individuals...
Ah, yes.. you have all probably seen my post on Facebook about my kitty, Myste. So props to those who dared to click on this blog, because yes, it's my ode to animals.
I've always been an animal lover. I never really thought of them as "pets". They always seemed like individuals. My first real pet growing up was my cat Daisy. I loved that cat... I remember deciding to be a cat also and spent 2 days crawling around and eating my food from a bowl on the floor. I had thought I wanted to be on a diet of cat food, but after tasting it, opted to stick with human food. Hey, don't judge me eating cat food, I was five and if you are trying to act like you've never tasted pet food, you are lying. And if it wasn't pet food it was something else...(i.e. paste, erasers, chapstick, bugs..etc)
Daisy and I had many journeys together. Most of them existing of me playing outside and her cruising around hunting bugs and mice. She was always so kind to bring me her prize - I tried to play it cool and not be grossed out, not wanting to hurt her little kitty feelings. At night she would go outside, and each night I tried to fool my mom by hiding Daisy under the covers. If we got away with it she would move to the top of my pillow and curl around my head. It was comfortable in every aspect of the word. She lived a very long time, until one day she disappeared. She must have known it was her time and she left to die in peace. I had some other cats after that, loving them as much as I could, but never really feeling what I did with Daisy.
Until Myste.
When we moved to our house here on the beach, we decided shortly after to get a cat. I was at the humane society and saw Myste. She was up for adoption and I just fell in love with her right away. She was gray with a white chest and white paws. She was snugly. I made the decision without telling anyone, bringing home my new kitten paraphernalia to break the news to my family. They were excited and we brought her home a few days later. The humane society had told us that kittens feel more comfortable in an enclosed space. So I constructed one for her in a hall closet. I put a 3 foot board up to keep her safe inside that first night... kind of like a little kitty kennel. I was just falling to sleep when I hear the tiniest meow and clawing. There is Myste the kitten climbing up the bed to come sleep next to me. I couldn't believe it!! I gently pick her up and take her back to kitty kennel, thinking it's what I am supposed to do...you know, what's best and all. I return to bed and sure enough.. 10 minutes later, there she is again. This continues two more times and finally as she was climbing up the bed for the 4th time, I let her stay. She curled up next to me, purring so loudly and this is where she stayed every night for the next 6 years. She liked to be up high and would get crazy and climb the door jambs like a tree. It was hilarious. She liked to talk to birds and sit by the window. She sat with me everyday in the morning while I was having my coffee, and as I mentioned before, she slept next to me every night.
About 3 years ago, we brought Lily, our Golden Retriever home. Yeah, Myste was not thrilled. It's suffice to say she HATED Lily. She looked at us like "seriously.. why?" She would watch Lily chewing on a bone and the look was like "you are DISGUSTING"... :) But after awhile they got used to each other, Lily just wanting to have someone else to play with and Myste clearly just tolerating her. Over the last few months we would actually find them sleeping near one another... yes progress was made in Lily's mind.. but Myste, if she had a caption about her head it would have said "..hey look I'm getting along.." (insert monotone here) haha..
She was normally kind of a moody cat, wanting to snuggle on her terms and letting you know when she was done. Over the last few days she was more snugly than ever.. she was with me every second, rubbing her head on mine and doing that cute thing where cats lay on their backs with their paws up as if to say "look at me, I'm adorable"..
Last night she was doing that.. hanging out in my room with me, meowing and playing, seemingly normal. I walked out ... not 2 minutes later Travis came to tell me she was gone. Poor guy, that couldn't have been an easy job. I was in disbelief. When I went in to see Myste and say goodbye I was sitting on the floor crying. My dog came up and quietly sat next to me, putting her head on my shoulder. It was the best comfort in the world. Amazing.
I think it's the sudden part that feels so awful. It's kind of surreal. And it's very quiet here this morning. At the same time I feel so silly...but I don't care. Call me silly.. I loved her. She wasn't just a "pet".. she was an individual. She was part of our family.
We put her out in Tyler's flower garden, surrounded by flowers and a planter full of flowers on top. I should mention she was buried in style, in a Maurices box, decorated and designed by Tyler, with her favorite blanket and Abby's ode to her, a "Hello Kitty" pencil.
To those who know exactly how I feel...
Love,
T♥
I've always been an animal lover. I never really thought of them as "pets". They always seemed like individuals. My first real pet growing up was my cat Daisy. I loved that cat... I remember deciding to be a cat also and spent 2 days crawling around and eating my food from a bowl on the floor. I had thought I wanted to be on a diet of cat food, but after tasting it, opted to stick with human food. Hey, don't judge me eating cat food, I was five and if you are trying to act like you've never tasted pet food, you are lying. And if it wasn't pet food it was something else...(i.e. paste, erasers, chapstick, bugs..etc)
Daisy and I had many journeys together. Most of them existing of me playing outside and her cruising around hunting bugs and mice. She was always so kind to bring me her prize - I tried to play it cool and not be grossed out, not wanting to hurt her little kitty feelings. At night she would go outside, and each night I tried to fool my mom by hiding Daisy under the covers. If we got away with it she would move to the top of my pillow and curl around my head. It was comfortable in every aspect of the word. She lived a very long time, until one day she disappeared. She must have known it was her time and she left to die in peace. I had some other cats after that, loving them as much as I could, but never really feeling what I did with Daisy.
Until Myste.
When we moved to our house here on the beach, we decided shortly after to get a cat. I was at the humane society and saw Myste. She was up for adoption and I just fell in love with her right away. She was gray with a white chest and white paws. She was snugly. I made the decision without telling anyone, bringing home my new kitten paraphernalia to break the news to my family. They were excited and we brought her home a few days later. The humane society had told us that kittens feel more comfortable in an enclosed space. So I constructed one for her in a hall closet. I put a 3 foot board up to keep her safe inside that first night... kind of like a little kitty kennel. I was just falling to sleep when I hear the tiniest meow and clawing. There is Myste the kitten climbing up the bed to come sleep next to me. I couldn't believe it!! I gently pick her up and take her back to kitty kennel, thinking it's what I am supposed to do...you know, what's best and all. I return to bed and sure enough.. 10 minutes later, there she is again. This continues two more times and finally as she was climbing up the bed for the 4th time, I let her stay. She curled up next to me, purring so loudly and this is where she stayed every night for the next 6 years. She liked to be up high and would get crazy and climb the door jambs like a tree. It was hilarious. She liked to talk to birds and sit by the window. She sat with me everyday in the morning while I was having my coffee, and as I mentioned before, she slept next to me every night.
About 3 years ago, we brought Lily, our Golden Retriever home. Yeah, Myste was not thrilled. It's suffice to say she HATED Lily. She looked at us like "seriously.. why?" She would watch Lily chewing on a bone and the look was like "you are DISGUSTING"... :) But after awhile they got used to each other, Lily just wanting to have someone else to play with and Myste clearly just tolerating her. Over the last few months we would actually find them sleeping near one another... yes progress was made in Lily's mind.. but Myste, if she had a caption about her head it would have said "..hey look I'm getting along.." (insert monotone here) haha..
She was normally kind of a moody cat, wanting to snuggle on her terms and letting you know when she was done. Over the last few days she was more snugly than ever.. she was with me every second, rubbing her head on mine and doing that cute thing where cats lay on their backs with their paws up as if to say "look at me, I'm adorable"..
Last night she was doing that.. hanging out in my room with me, meowing and playing, seemingly normal. I walked out ... not 2 minutes later Travis came to tell me she was gone. Poor guy, that couldn't have been an easy job. I was in disbelief. When I went in to see Myste and say goodbye I was sitting on the floor crying. My dog came up and quietly sat next to me, putting her head on my shoulder. It was the best comfort in the world. Amazing.
I think it's the sudden part that feels so awful. It's kind of surreal. And it's very quiet here this morning. At the same time I feel so silly...but I don't care. Call me silly.. I loved her. She wasn't just a "pet".. she was an individual. She was part of our family.
We put her out in Tyler's flower garden, surrounded by flowers and a planter full of flowers on top. I should mention she was buried in style, in a Maurices box, decorated and designed by Tyler, with her favorite blanket and Abby's ode to her, a "Hello Kitty" pencil.
To those who know exactly how I feel...
Love,
T♥
3.06.2011
Welcome 35 but you may only stay one year...
Well, I made it... the day approached like a villain in the night, but it was inevitable. I was going to age again, there was nothing stopping it. I've been moping around, toeing the ground sheepishly afraid of even looking at my birthday. This has never happened before. When I turned 30, I playfully called it 20-10 and it came and went easily. I transitioned nicely, totally accepting my thirties and even enjoying how incredibly, surprisingly great they were!
The years came and went..it was fine! Then around December I started thinking. No.. let's be realistic, I was analyzing. Just like I always do.. analyze it til it doesn't even make any sense! Analyzing this soon gave way to panic stricken thoughts and memories of youth. Yes, it seemed that 35 was coming. Like an annoying house guest, 35 was coming to visit and stay on March 6th!! So being the deep thinker I am, I started to reflect. Okay, what was so bad about 35? You mean besides the clear slap in the face.. "WHACK, you are not YOUNG anymore, stand up straight..$!%@#!!" No really, that's kind of what is was feeling like... so I started to think and ponder, as I always do - and came up with.......NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! I have no idea why. Maybe it's that I was positive as a child I would have accepted my first Oscar by now. Perhaps it's that I would also have an array of Grammy's lining my fireplace. Could it be that I would have been a world traveler, living and working in the Peace Corp, making a difference? An artist in a studio apartment in NYC, waiting tables by day, singing in Jazz clubs by night? Yes, these are the plans I had when I was younger - but different turns and decisions brought me to where I am right now. No Oscars, but I have been awarded with two kids that amaze me more everyday and while they aren't gold statues, their hearts are made of it and they are much more fun to hug. No Grammy's, but I still write music and songs - and the best part? So do those kids I mentioned.. and there is no greater honor than listening to Abby sing lyrics she wrote that are so moving it seems impossible to come from someone so young.. or Tyler self-taught on the piano, playing an original composition of his and it's so insanely good, I wish I had the CD to play in my car. This all takes care of the dream of NYC - because this house is full of music on a daily basis - and I DO wait tables HERE!!!! And the fact that I'm driving every which way to their events takes care of the traveler part of my list... I've probably driven around the world a few times altogether. As far as the Peace Corp is concerned.. that is more like Peace Keeper - because the previously mentioned are 11 and almost 15 - so while they get along great most of the time.. there are definitely battles that ensue.
I don't have to like 35.. and I probably won't until I turn 36 - I even look forward to 40 in a way - it almost seems like an accomplishment.. (I'm sure I just heard laughter and a "we'll see"..but hey that's how I feel for now!!)
I guess the point of my ramblings is that dreams do come true.. they just happen in different ways sometimes. No need to feel bad about 35...I am more blessed than I even know, I'm in better physical shape than I was when I turned 30 and my outlook senses that it is just going to get better from here.
It's natural to dream and wish for things.. as long as you don't discredit what you have right in front of you. What I have in front of me is certainly a lot. What do you see in front of you?
As I blow out my forest fire of candles I welcome 35 and all the blessings brought before it...
Live well my lovelies~
T♥
The years came and went..it was fine! Then around December I started thinking. No.. let's be realistic, I was analyzing. Just like I always do.. analyze it til it doesn't even make any sense! Analyzing this soon gave way to panic stricken thoughts and memories of youth. Yes, it seemed that 35 was coming. Like an annoying house guest, 35 was coming to visit and stay on March 6th!! So being the deep thinker I am, I started to reflect. Okay, what was so bad about 35? You mean besides the clear slap in the face.. "WHACK, you are not YOUNG anymore, stand up straight..$!%@#!!" No really, that's kind of what is was feeling like... so I started to think and ponder, as I always do - and came up with.......NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! I have no idea why. Maybe it's that I was positive as a child I would have accepted my first Oscar by now. Perhaps it's that I would also have an array of Grammy's lining my fireplace. Could it be that I would have been a world traveler, living and working in the Peace Corp, making a difference? An artist in a studio apartment in NYC, waiting tables by day, singing in Jazz clubs by night? Yes, these are the plans I had when I was younger - but different turns and decisions brought me to where I am right now. No Oscars, but I have been awarded with two kids that amaze me more everyday and while they aren't gold statues, their hearts are made of it and they are much more fun to hug. No Grammy's, but I still write music and songs - and the best part? So do those kids I mentioned.. and there is no greater honor than listening to Abby sing lyrics she wrote that are so moving it seems impossible to come from someone so young.. or Tyler self-taught on the piano, playing an original composition of his and it's so insanely good, I wish I had the CD to play in my car. This all takes care of the dream of NYC - because this house is full of music on a daily basis - and I DO wait tables HERE!!!! And the fact that I'm driving every which way to their events takes care of the traveler part of my list... I've probably driven around the world a few times altogether. As far as the Peace Corp is concerned.. that is more like Peace Keeper - because the previously mentioned are 11 and almost 15 - so while they get along great most of the time.. there are definitely battles that ensue.
I don't have to like 35.. and I probably won't until I turn 36 - I even look forward to 40 in a way - it almost seems like an accomplishment.. (I'm sure I just heard laughter and a "we'll see"..but hey that's how I feel for now!!)
I guess the point of my ramblings is that dreams do come true.. they just happen in different ways sometimes. No need to feel bad about 35...I am more blessed than I even know, I'm in better physical shape than I was when I turned 30 and my outlook senses that it is just going to get better from here.
It's natural to dream and wish for things.. as long as you don't discredit what you have right in front of you. What I have in front of me is certainly a lot. What do you see in front of you?
As I blow out my forest fire of candles I welcome 35 and all the blessings brought before it...
Live well my lovelies~
T♥
2.09.2011
Sunshine is sweet
The sun rose today... as it does everyday. But instead of disappearing into the gray blanket of usual sky over the beach, it stayed. Stayed for breakfast, lingered for lunch... and finally said goodnight after dinner, falling behind the horizon - showering any remaining broken clouds in pink, orange and purple. It was almost surreal to have to squint my eyes together to focus, my eyelashes creating a hazy picture in front of me. It was a good day... people came out of the woodwork to go about their daily routines - but something about sunshine helps them do that with a smile. It seems people have a little more tolerance.. perhaps a tad more patience. All due to that wonderfully natural Vitamin D - a rare jewel for those who live along the coast. We often get lost among the mist and sideways rain, a common visitor. There must be a dip in the jet stream somewhere out here where the clouds fall off and like it so much they decide to camp out for days at a time.
Growing up in Central Washington, it is easy to take the sun for granted. I've written before about my summers and that dry heat... days and days full of 90 degree temperatures and enough natural Vitamin D to last the rest of the year. But in this area, the sun shines when it's good and ready and people who plan outdoor weddings and birthday parties are considered among the boldest of risk takers.
Luckily, there isn't a shortage of beauty in this area. Everything is green and lush and the view of the Pacific Ocean is enough to take your breath away. The trees who seem to have souls tower and sway, while the vast wildlife play beneath. The storms that brew off the coast are amazing in themselves and have the ability to remind you just how small and human you are. 30 foot waves are normal.. I mean, we do live at the most dangerous bar in the world.. and come on, if "Cape Disappointment" doesn't clue you in...you are more dense than the marine layer.
So when the sun shines, we all come outside. We make a point of soaking it up, taking walks and standing around in it..letting it wash over our shoulders.. even if the temperature hasn't climbed past 35. Sunshine is sweet. It's rare... we'll take it how we can get it... and we will thank God for the blessing every time.
Here's to sunny days.. my lovelies~
T♥
Growing up in Central Washington, it is easy to take the sun for granted. I've written before about my summers and that dry heat... days and days full of 90 degree temperatures and enough natural Vitamin D to last the rest of the year. But in this area, the sun shines when it's good and ready and people who plan outdoor weddings and birthday parties are considered among the boldest of risk takers.
Luckily, there isn't a shortage of beauty in this area. Everything is green and lush and the view of the Pacific Ocean is enough to take your breath away. The trees who seem to have souls tower and sway, while the vast wildlife play beneath. The storms that brew off the coast are amazing in themselves and have the ability to remind you just how small and human you are. 30 foot waves are normal.. I mean, we do live at the most dangerous bar in the world.. and come on, if "Cape Disappointment" doesn't clue you in...you are more dense than the marine layer.
So when the sun shines, we all come outside. We make a point of soaking it up, taking walks and standing around in it..letting it wash over our shoulders.. even if the temperature hasn't climbed past 35. Sunshine is sweet. It's rare... we'll take it how we can get it... and we will thank God for the blessing every time.
Here's to sunny days.. my lovelies~
T♥
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